Not Good Enough, or Not My Fault?
There appears to be two distinct behavioural states (ways that we typically act or react in any given situation) each have distinguishable characteristics, and in my experience we have a leaning toward one style or the other.
Not Good Enough (NGE) and
Not My Fault (NMF)
The attributes of NGE include a perfectionist mindset where nothing is ever good enough, including themselves. They seek out from within the detail where things are not quite right, privately they welcome praise and affirmation, and are emotionally expressive.
NGE are people sensitive and have an acute awareness of how others are and how they feel. They criticise themselves and others, and the best is what matters to them.
On the other hand, the attributes of NMF include a mindset where failure is not an option, and when it does occur, it's not their fault. They seek out from within the detail where things might fail, prefer to remain out of the limelight, blame others for their failures, and are emotionally controlled. They are people pleasers and are very self-centered. They judge themselves and others, and winning (or not losing) is all that matters to them.
In summary, NGE focuses on perfectionism and being the best, while NMF focuses on winning and not losing. NGE is more emotionally expressive and people-sensitive, while NMF is more self-centered and emotionally controlled. NGE criticises themselves and others, while NMF blames others for their failures.
NGE (Not Good Enough):
Nothing is ever quite enough.
Wants to improve anything/everything.
Can be a Perfectionist.
Can’t take criticism.
Always finds fault.
Reads between the lines.
Sensitive to the feelings of others.
Acute attention to detail.
Seeks praise, but resits it.
Seeks external or material validation.
Likes to be liked.
Happy/wants to stand out.
Can have emotional outbursts.
Will make instinctive decisions.
Prone to red mist moments of frustration and often has low emotional resilience.
NMF (Not My Fault)
Overthinking,
Decision anxiety.
Procrastination.
The problem is never here, it’s always over there.
I may not be right, but I’m not wrong.
It’s not my fault.
Feels judged and can be judgemental.
Conflates situations.
Uses confuse and diffuse as a defence tactic.
Often people pleasers
Untrusting.
Likes to be in control
Keeps cards close to chest, even secretive.
Doesn’t forget when wronged.
May blur the presentation of, or recollections of facts when challenged.
How can I tell which I am?
Here’s a basic test. The more honest you are with your deepest interpretation of these questions the clearer your results will be
Think back to a recent, clear and specific experience, at home or at work, when you faced a significant challenge or obstacle, do you tend to:
a) Blame others for the outcome
b) Take responsibility for the outcome
Do you feel like you are:
a) Never good enough or satisfied with your performance
b) Generally satisfied with your performance
Do you feel like you always have to:
a) Win or be the best at everything
b) Do your best but don't need to be the best
Do you find yourself constantly:
a) Seeking affirmation or praise from others
b) Not needing affirmation or praise from others
Do you tend to:
a) Criticise yourself and others
b) Not criticise yourself and others
Do you tend to:
a) Be emotionally expressive
b) Be emotionally controlled
Do you tend to be:
a) People sensitive, doesn't want to upset others
b) People pleasers, keen to ensure they fulfil the needs of others
Do you tend to be:
a) Acutely aware of how others are and how they feel
b) More self-centered, what's going on in their world is all that matters
For each question, if you answered mostly 'a' then you may have tendencies towards NGE behaviour.
If you answered mostly 'b', then you may have tendencies towards NMF behaviour.
How can I use this in the workplace?
Managing NGEs
Don’t criticise a NGE, telling them something could be improved is criticism. It may be meant as feedback but will be received, and responded to, as criticism, including a red mist moment. Always spend time (without platitudes, and with sincerity) describing how good enough they are or how good enough they’ve performed.
When airing a necessary concern don’t start by telling them “there is a problem”, just ask them about whatever has happened and ask “How could you do that differently next time?”
They’ll naturally find ways to improve their performance, their acute self critical eye will see where they could improve, and they’ll tell you.
They’ll still feel criticised, because they read between the lines, but they’ll avoid an emotional outburst.
If a NGE is underperforming or things are not going well, don’t hide or mask things from them, clear the air and keep it clear.
Managing NMF
Don’t tell an NMF that it’s their fault, or they’ve failed or are to blame for something. Wrong is a red flag word to them.
Whilst that might be factually true, it will often activate an unwavering and impenetrable defence from them.
With a NMF it’s a more direct approach needing clear evidence of misdemeanours or poor performance.
Remain precise and concise, factual. And don’t be swayed by their conflation, diffusion and confusion tactics, which are used to avoid blame.
In the workplace, always make sure they understand what is expected. Set clear and non-conflicted targets. Try to avoid multiple aims and objectives.
Above all reinforce, persist, constantly restate and measure compliance.
NMF’s will ultimately comply, otherwise they risk being at fault, which is intolerable for them.
Do certain roles favour certain behaviour types?
It’s easy, and commonplace to look at these characteristics and assume they are weaknesses, that’s not the case, they are wonderful strengths when deployed appropriately in the workplace.
Here are three typical competencies and how each group might excel.
Problem solving:
This illustration provides a simplified example of how the two groups think
A NMF will think like a spider in a web, often working out the variables and giving careful considering to risk, especially risk of failure. This is the upside of over thinking.
A NGE will likely be resourceful and flexible in pursuit of a solution. They are more likely to try things out, then rebound and try again if things don’t work out.
Getting results:
An NGE will likely be adept at making things better and better, so are wonderfully capable in an environment where the focus on quality or repetitiveness is key. A will likely be dogged and determined to succeed, so focusing them on a specific target or on winning, or time bound projects.
Working with people.
An NGE will often be a people person, sensitive to the needs of others, mindful of being accepted by peers and superiors; a great quality in leadership. Similarly a NMF might be great at focussing and driving a team to a specific desired outcome. Another great leadership quality.
What’s the source of NMF or NGE
Putting the nature / nurture argument to one side, from my research and experience the source of your behaviour type lays in your upbringing.
A critical parent, who reminded you things were not quite good enough will lead to NGE in you. A parent who can never be to blame or at fault is the foundation of NMF in you.
Oh, and before you start blaming your parents for how you are spare a thought for them. They learned their behaviour from someone (that wise and lovely man you call Grandad or that patient and caring lady you call Grandma), and as parents they didn’t get a manual with you, they just made it up whilst wanting the best for you.
Can we change?
Nope. It’s a bit like changing your eye colour. It can’t be done. What you can do is to embrace how you are, welcome your NGE or NMF and leverage its qualities and strengths. When receiving criticism welcome it as the food for growth. Or when you get a bad result explore what you did well, and celebrate that. I learned to accept that I wasn’t good enough many years ago; its brought me much satisfaction, wealth and fulfilment since then.
Paul Roebuck
Behavioural Psychotherapist
PGCEE, FETC (A.Dip).
paulsroebuck@gmail.com
+44 7838 371155
Revised 14Mar2022 AND 29TH JAN 2023