Where am I in the Grief Cycle?
The Waves of Grief: How Loss Moves Through Us
Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. It doesn’t move in straight lines or neatly organised stages. Some losses unfold over weeks and months, shifting slowly like the seasons. Others hit in waves—unexpected, crashing in the middle of an ordinary day.
One moment, you feel steady, maybe even hopeful. You smile at a memory, find comfort in a routine, feel a sense of normality returning. Then, without warning, something pulls you back. A song, a smell, an empty chair at the table. Suddenly, the weight is there again—anger, sadness, longing.
Some days, grief feels manageable, like a quiet echo in the background. Other days, it’s relentless, dragging you between emotions in an exhausting loop. Mornings can start with determination—“I’m coping, I’m moving forward.” But by the afternoon, a reminder knocks the wind out of you, and you’re right back in the storm.
We expect grief to be something we work through, a process with an end. But it’s more like a tide, pulling us in and out, shifting between deep sorrow and unexpected moments of light. We don’t just grieve once—we revisit it, sometimes years later, sometimes in the span of an hour.
The key isn’t to defeat grief. It’s to learn its rhythm. To understand that feeling okay doesn’t mean you’re “done,” and feeling lost doesn’t mean you’re “failing.” Grief moves through us in waves, and the more we recognise its ebb and flow, the more we learn to carry it with us—without letting it drown us.
Recognising the Stage of Grief You’re In
Grief isn’t linear, and it doesn’t come with a clear roadmap. But recognising the signs of where you are in the cycle can help you make sense of your emotions and reactions. Below is a working list of each stage, how it might show up, and what it could be telling you.
1. Shock
(The Numbness Phase)
Signs you’re here:
You feel disconnected, as if everything is happening around you but not to you.
Your emotions feel frozen—you’re not crying, not reacting, just existing.
You struggle to concentrate, make decisions, or even form clear thoughts.
Physical symptoms: dizziness, nausea, shallow breathing, lack of appetite, headaches.
What this means:
Your brain is protecting you by slowing down emotional processing.
This is a natural defence—don’t force yourself to “feel” too soon.
Basic self-care (eating, drinking, sleeping) is more important than “understanding” anything right now.
2. Denial
(The Avoidance Phase)
Signs you’re here:
You act like nothing has changed—going through routines as if they’re still here.
You feel disconnected from reality, like it’s all a bad dream.
You expect them to walk through the door, call, or show up in your life again.
You avoid talking about the loss or change because it doesn’t feel real yet.
What this means:
Your mind is processing the loss in small, manageable pieces.
Denial isn’t a refusal to believe—it’s a way to adjust at your own pace.
Gently acknowledging reality in small steps can help ease the transition.
3. Betrayal
(The Anger Phase)
Signs you’re here:
You feel abandoned, like someone or something has let you down.
Your anger is directed at the person who is gone, the doctors, the world, or even yourself.
You might be looking for blame—asking “Why did this happen?” or “What could have stopped it?”
Irritability, frustration, or sudden emotional outbursts become more common.
What this means:
This stage is about justice—your brain is trying to find reason in something unreasonable.
Anger is often masking deeper pain—acknowledging the sadness underneath can help.
Finding a safe outlet (exercise, talking, writing) is crucial so anger doesn’t consume you.
4. Sadness
(The Heavy Phase)
Signs you’re here:
Everything feels heavier—getting out of bed, making decisions, engaging with others.
You feel deeply lonely, even in a room full of people.
You find yourself replaying memories, focusing on what’s lost.
Physical exhaustion, loss of appetite, or feeling like you’re moving in slow motion.
What this means:
This is grief settling in—it’s painful, but it’s part of healing.
Sadness is not permanent, even when it feels overwhelming.
Small moments of comfort—nature, music, or a safe conversation—can be anchors.
5. Guilt & Shame
(The Regret Phase)
Signs you’re here:
You keep thinking about what you should have done differently.
You blame yourself for things you didn’t say, do, or prevent.
You feel unworthy of happiness—as if moving forward is a betrayal.
You withdraw from people or hesitate to share how you feel.
What this means:
Guilt is a sign that you’re searching for control in an uncontrollable situation.
It’s natural, but it’s not truth—grief is never just one person’s responsibility.
Talking through guilt with someone objective can help untangle emotions from facts.
6. Identity Crisis
(The Who Am I Phase)
Signs you’re here:
You feel adrift, like you don’t know who you are without the person or thing you lost.
Big life moments—holidays, birthdays—bring a sense of emptiness, not celebration.
You feel stuck, unable to imagine a future that doesn’t include what’s gone.
You start questioning everything—your role, purpose, and future.
What this means:
You’re at the lowest point, but also on the edge of something new.
Reflection is normal, but don’t let it turn into permanent paralysis.
Small new routines—one different choice a day—can help rebuild a sense of self.
7. Understanding
(The Meaning Phase)
Signs you’re here:
You begin to find small moments of clarity—”At least they weren’t in pain.”
You think about what the person taught you, rather than just their absence.
You start looking forward instead of only looking back.
Sadness is still there, but it’s mixed with acceptance.
What this means:
This is the pivot point—grief is shifting from pain to meaning.
You’re not forgetting, you’re adapting.
Embracing positive memories doesn’t mean letting go—it means carrying them with you.
8. Acceptance
(The Peace Phase)
Signs you’re here:
You no longer expect things to return to how they were—you’ve adjusted.
You begin to participate in life again without feeling guilty.
The weight of grief feels lighter, even if sadness still lingers.
You start making plans again—slowly stepping into the future.
What this means:
Acceptance is not the end of grief, just a different relationship with it.
There’s no timeline—moving forward doesn’t mean rushing.
This stage allows for joy to exist alongside grief, rather than replacing it.
9. Forgiveness
(The Release Phase)
Signs you’re here:
You stop blaming yourself, others, or fate for what happened.
You feel less resentment—toward doctors, family, or even the person you lost.
You begin to talk about the past without anger or regret.
You recognise that holding onto pain doesn’t serve you anymore.
What this means:
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, not just others.
Letting go of blame frees up space for healing.
10. Healing
(The Rebuilding Phase)
Signs you’re here:
You find joy again—laughing, engaging, and feeling alive.
You make new connections, explore new interests, or reclaim old ones.
You start trusting life again, even with its uncertainty.
Grief is still part of you, but it no longer controls you.
What this means:
This is where grief transforms—it doesn’t vanish, but it no longer defines you.
Healing is not forgetting, but integrating loss into a new way of living.
11. The New Normal
(Life Beyond Loss)
Signs you’re here:
You have accepted the past and are actively shaping your future.
Grief resurfaces occasionally, but it no longer pulls you under.
You honour what was lost while embracing what remains.
You move through life with a new understanding of love, loss, and resilience.
What this means:
You never “finish” grief, but you learn to carry it with strength and peace.
The cycle of grief may begin again, but now you know the path through.
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Read more about the cycle of grief here:
https://paulroebuck.co.uk/grief-and-loss/cycle-of-grief
And my Grief and Loss blog here :
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